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Mar 15, 2010 01:18 AM
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Instead of the usual airport hustle and bustle, this week teams were driven to an unknown location (which ended up being France) and they went to war with each other, themselves, Morse code and some really old bicycles.
On the bus ride to their new destination, Louie & Michael seemed fed up with Joe whining about his knee injury, because they teased him from across the bus, middle school style. Also, because the teams were taken to Les Montharions, France before they departed, there was none of the airport downtime that usually evens out the playing field. This meant that Louie and Michael were able to keep their first place lead without having to worry that other teams would catch up due to travel constraints. Talk about lucking out! From Les Montharions, they had drive themselves to Sainte-Menehould, find a bread shop called "Boulangerie Defontaine" and buy a baguette to receive their next clue. Luckily for Dan & Jordan the cars were automatic! No more manual mess ups!
During their drive to Sainte-Menehould, the poor, starved racers were all way too excited at the prospect of eating bread, because that's all anyone could talk about. How boring is this cast sometimes? But Jet & Cord can turn anything that boring into something cute and funny, and this time it was because they had no idea what a "bag-wet" was or how to pronounce it. Aw, shucks!
While most teams made it to the bread shop with no problems, the queen of maps herself, Ms. Teen South Carolina, and her boyfriend Brent could have really used a map. Because they get lost. A lot. I think they've gotten into a fight about which way is the right way every episode. And in other dumb team news, the only team who couldn't figure out the clue was in the baguette? Jeff & Jordan! Surprise, surprise. Lucky for them Jeff is super charming. If any other team was this dumb it would make me angry, but when Jeff is too thick to realize the clue is baked into the bread it's just so darn cute! What can I say, stupid looks good on team Big Brother.
The baguette led them to their Detour where they had to dress up as old school American soldiers and choose between Under Fire or In The Trenches to help their French allies end the war. In Under Fire, teams had to crawl 100 yards through a battlefield booby trapped with barbed wire, retrieve a message from a French soldier, and crawl back to deliver it, via carrier pigeon. In In The Trenches, the teams had to translate a Morse code message using only a field manual, and deliver it, also via carrier pigeon. Every single team chose Under Fire, and had little trouble with it even though it looked pretty serious. We're talking planes flying 20 feet above the racers heads, bombs going off, and lots and lots of mud. Phil threw a wrench into the situation with a classic Race move. A U-TURN! For those who don't know, U-Turns allow one team to force another team to go back and complete the other half of the Detour, seriously messing up their game. Front runners Louie & Michael were the first to complete the Detour, and chose to U-Turn Joe & Heidi. YES. I felt a bit bad for Heidi, she looked more hurt than angry, like she really didn't understand why they'd be the team to get screwed. But, man, Joe is just a whiny jerk. I was thrilled to see his smug face turn white when he realized they would have to go back and translate the Morse code message.
While the three teams up front were in fighting a war, Caite & Brent were still working on their bread challenge, and boy did Caite like that baguette. Settle down, girl. It's just bread.
Despite the spectacle of the Detour, there was little drama when it came to the teams completing it. They crawled and bitched about how dirty it was, especially the prissy Brandy who actually said "This is NOT what I signed up for!" Oh really, Brandy? Really? You had NO idea that you might get dirty when applying for The Amazing Race? You didn't think that at some point, one challenge was going to have you rolling around in the dirt? Come on. Either way, with all the fighting and complaining, team after team zipped past Joe & Heidi as they struggled with In The Trenches.
The next clue led them to The Church of Massiges where they had to don the official old timey bicycle garb from the 1903 Tour de France and ride antique bikes four miles to the Pit Stop. They looked like strange French versions of Mario and Luigi, because, for whatever reason, fake mustaches were a part of the official biking outfits back then. They must have been, since every single racer was wearing one.
The first ones to take on the bike challenge were of course Louie & Michael, who got a little too close while changing into their Tour de France outfits.
Pulling your teammate's pants off because he can't? That's love right there. That. Is. Love.
Back at the end of the pack, Jeff & Jordan stayed steadily in last place throughout the entire episode. They were last to depart, got lost on the way to the bread shop, were the last to arrive at the Detour and had a Speed Bump (fixing a section of the trench wall) to do before they could even start their Detour. It was quite sad to see the normally lovey-dovey Big Brother sweethearts arguing, disheartened, and all around upset. That was, until they saw Heidi & Joe. Still unable to figure out the Morse code message. That means they were still in the race! A great thing for Jeff & Jordan fans everywhere! And like every team before them, they passed Joe & Heidi and carried on.
Michael and Louie got to the Pit Stop first, light years ahead of everyone else. Steve & Allie (Who? Seriously, they have less screen time than the Roaming Gnome - an INANIMATE OBJECT) came in second and the Cowboys in third. The lesbians and brothers rounded out fourth and fifth place, and in sixth was the ever so annoying Caite & Brent, who really need to start learning how to find and read clues. The geniuses completely missed the clue that told them to go to the church, so they had to bike back to the battlefield, get the clue, and then bike back to the Pit Stop again. And they still came in before Jeff & Jordan (who ended up coming in seventh place)! That just goes to show you how far behind the Big Brother twosome were.
As darkness loomed, Joe & Heidi were still trying to decipher the Morse code (the message ended up being "We will prevail, vive France." How ironic, right?), and Phil put on his Race grim reaper face to put them out of their misery. The Jon Gosselin wannabe and his clueless-as to-how-annoying-her-husband-is-wife were sent packing. I say good riddance. If I had to hear Joe complain about how much his knee hurt again, I would have thrown my remote at the TV. Sayonara Joe & Heidi! Don't let the door hit you on your way out.
Send an email to Kristina Lucarelli, the author of this post, at klucarelli@gmail.com.
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
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